To Feel Strong and like I Belong: Rock Climbing

 

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Have you found your sport?

Growing up I was fortunate to have access to different sports. My parents signed me up for swimming lessons at a young age. They also put me in co-ed soccer and judo. Kids in my neighbourhood played a lot of ball hockey, which I continued to play in intra-murals in middle school, high school, and during my first years at university. In high school I was also on the track & cross-country running teams.

Based on my sport profile above, it would be easy to picture me as an athletic kid. A young athlete who competed and won all sorts of trophies…

Well. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

Although I swam well into my teen years, I never competed.

In the three to four years I played soccer, I only ever scored one goal.

I reluctantly competed in one judo tournament, where I did place 3rd! However, there were only four competitors in my category.

I was more engaged in ball hockey at school, but this was always just for fun.

And truthfully, I mostly joined track & cross-country running because I liked a guy on the team. Though I doubt I impressed him with my last place finishes at all but one meet… where I placed 3rd last…

I didn’t grow up an athlete. But I did grow up with a fair amount of “sport literacy.” Despite what some coaches may call my “poor performances,” participating in those sports gave me skills that allowed me to truly rise when I found MY sport.

At the age of 16 I tried rock climbing for the very first time. It was something like falling in love :)

“You’re made for this sport,” a friend and rock climber had said to me that day. And unlike with any of the other sports I had tried, I truly felt a sense of belonging with rock climbing.

Rock climbing to me is the most beautiful sport. It’s a perfect combination of technique, physical strength, and mental stamina. Every time you approach a climb you’re solving a puzzle with both power and elegance.

And the places rock climbing has taken me! I’ve climbed in seven different countries, on four separate continents. Each destination was off the beaten path — where nature & history are intertwined. I got to experience these places in a way others would never. And I’ve met some of the most amazing people too!

I think when people outside the sport picture rock climbing, they think of it as extreme and high-risk. They might imagine rock climbers as what some may call “adrenaline junkies.”

Imagine every day waking up, and not knowing what lies ahead. Each day you are put outside your comfort zone and pushing your boundaries. You take on challenges that could ultimately hurt you. Challenges that will either help you grow stronger, or make you suffer the consequences. At the end of the day, you’re exhausted and maybe even in pain. And you wonder to yourself “was it worth it?”

How does that sound to you? Like an exciting life filled with adventure?

Living on the edge, feeling that adrenaline course through your veins?

Do you want it?

Because I was not describing my life as a rock climber…

I was describing my life living with a brain injury.

Not that long ago I was speaking with another TBI survivor. They said something I’d never considered before about life post concussion:

“Every day we wake up and from that moment we are pushed outside of our comfort zones… we are forced to constantly be challenging ourselves.”

What are your first thoughts when you wake up in the morning? Maybe things like “what have I got to do today?” “What am I going to wear?” “I need coffee.” Or “just five more minutes…”

I know for me, when my symptoms are sensitive, or when I’m going through a rough patch in my recovery, I wake up with anxiety. I’m fearful of what the day holds for me. I have no idea whether I can truly do the things I’ve set out to do.

In those moments I’ve often woken up scanning myself for any symptoms. Every movement I make I’m re-assessing what my capabilities might be for that day. I feel the adrenaline & cortisol rush through my veins as I pretty much brace myself for pain. And to top it all off, at the end of the day, I berate myself for having pushed too hard.

“Should I have washed ALL those dishes?”

“Should I have done a load of laundry?”

“Why did I have to respond to that text message??”

And finally…

“Was it worth it?”

I look back at those magical days I spent rock climbing. In that sport I did compete and I even won a handful of times. But those competitions were just a bonus. The sport was worth it to me because it challenged me in ways that nearly always made me a better person. It gave me so much confidence. Rock climbing connected me with people of all ages, cultures, and backgrounds. The sport developed in me a sense of respect and appreciation for living beings and outdoor natural wonders like nothing else could.

Can I say the same about my brain injury?

In the sport of rock climbing, every new climb or travel destination was an exciting adventure.

In TBI, introducing activities and going new places has at times been terrifying because I never know how my brain will handle it.

In rock climbing, the process of pushing myself to my boundaries was FUN. It made me want to try harder. Each attempt I got closer to achieving a goal.

During my concussion recovery, touching boundaries was at times devastating. The setbacks they may have caused decreased my confidence and my motivation. It made the goal of full recovery seem like it was getting further and further away.

Rock climbing brought me together with all different kinds of people. It gave me a welcoming community.

Although in the world of TBI a community exists, the nature of the injury can force us into isolation. Many social gathering sites & events are just not welcoming to a bruised brain.

Rock climbing was like someone giving me a brick and saying “lay this brick down and then another and then another, and so on. Eventually you’ll step back and see the palace you have built!”

Recovery in TBI, to me, has been more like someone saying “stick your hand in this fire. Now force yourself to do that over and over and over again. MAYBE one day you’ll be able to walk through it…”

My concussions didn’t happen from any rock climbing follies. There is some inherent risk with the sport (like with all sports), but when you practice the safety measures, it’s actually not as high-risk as many may think ( * and there’s research to prove that — see below). Compared to other sports & activities like hockey, skating, soccer, and cycling (things many people may leisurely do every week), rock climbing isn’t known for frequent head injuries. For myself, technically my first concussion did happen while I was rock climbing… but it was because I embarrassingly stood up into a rock (*facepalm*).

Still, when I look back I can truly say rock climbing was always worth it <3

I have in fact done some rock climbing during my recovery. Each time filled my heart even if a few of those times did not go as well for my brain. However at this point, despite a longing for it, I haven’t been rock climbing in over two years.

As it stands, no medical professional can tell me if I can return to this sport I love. And the grief of that presses on my lungs as if I’m gasping for air.

I’ve slowly been accepting that I may never return to this love of mine, even though I very much still desire to. But despite what some may think, it’s not an “adrenaline rush” I’m after. My heart beats for the sport of rock climbing because it makes me feel strong and like I belong. It’s made me into the good person I am today.

And quite frankly, the TBI has given me enough unpleasant rushes of adrenaline to last me more than a lifetime.

Best in brain & physical health for all,

Krystal

• A quote from research:   “Rock and ice climbing are widely considered to be 'high-risk' sporting activities that are associated with a high incidence of severe injury and even death, compared with more mainstream sports. However, objective scientific data to support this perception are questionable… Overall, climbing sports had a lower injury incidence and severity score than many popular sports, including basketball, sailing or soccer; indoor climbing ranked the lowest in terms of injuries of all sports assessed. Nevertheless, a fatality risk remains, especially in alpine and ice climbing.”

Schöffl, Volker & Morrison, Audry & Schwarz, U. & Schöffl, Isabelle & Küpper, Thomas. (2010). Evaluation of Injury and Fatality Risk in Rock and Ice Climbing. Sports medicine (Auckland, N.Z.). 40. 657-79. 10.2165/11533690-000000000-00000. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/45198321_Evaluation_of_Injury_and_Fatality_Risk_in_Rock_and_Ice_Climbing