3 - Recovery is not Linear

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“Every day, in every way, I’m getting better and better.”  Do you know who said that?  I knew that quote but had no idea where it came from.  Apparently it was a French psychologist by the name of Émile Coué.  According to wikipedia, in the late 19th century he worked as an apothecary and discovered what we now call the placebo effect.  He then went on to develop his method (the Coué method), which involved repeating optimistic mantras to help improve what ails you.  He figured that to work through some of our troubles, it took more than a strong conscious will; it also took a change in unconscious thought and to get there, imagination is the only ticket.  And so was born the mantra “Tous les jours à tous points de vue je vas de mieux en mieux,” translated into English “Every day, in every way, I’m getting better and better.”

I’m not here to commend nor criticize Monsieur Émile Coué.  I do believe optimistic mantras can be supportive and I have a story to share about this later on.  However, my recovery has been anything but a day-to-day improvement.  I have taken 2 steps forward and one step back as well as one step forward and 2 steps back…hell, I’ve taken one step forward and then fallen off a figurative mountain (cue music: “Landslide” by Stevie Nicks).  I have made great improvements and I have had multiple setbacks.  There have been some serious ups and downs - my recovery has in no way resembled a straight line.

I hand drew the picture graph attached to this blog post.  It is in no way arbitrary.  It may not be perfect; I certainly did not use any concrete measurements, so it’s not set to any scientific scale.  Plus the labels I’ve used are highly subjective (though I don’t see how anyone can deny the state of being known as “feeling amazeballs,” lol).  But, throughout the tedious and painful recovery process, I do in fact remember all of my setbacks and when then happened.  To me, my graph is pretty on point.

Many people reading this might have already known beforehand that recovery, from anything, is not linear.  I too knew this at the beginning of all this brain injury business.  But, when we picture a non-linear recovery, I think we often picture something more like this:

Ya’ know…some ups and downs but overall, still going up the whole way; a distinct trajectory.

But when you take a look at my graph, showing my real-lived recovery experience, you see that there is no such trajectory; my graph is a messed up and jerky rollercoaster ride.  I’ve hit rock bottom several times, regardless of gains made or how much time had passed since the initial injury.

So yeah, my recovery has been non-linear.  But I have also had to accept that at any moment it could get so much worse…and that’s OK.

This was definitely one of the harder things to overcome.  Every setback is DEVASTATING.  It’s as if you’re a kid on Christmas morning and you’ve just started unwrapping your first gift.  Then, without warning, you get sent to your room, to the corner, and you’re not allowed out for an indefinite period of time.  Eventually you’re allowed out but when you are brought back to the Christmas tree, you’re only allowed to watch all the other kids open their gifts.  You can only look at your gift from afar…  Time goes on, then finally you’re allowed to open your gift… you’re so excited!  You got that board game you were really hoping for!  You’re taking the pieces out of the box and you’re setting up the game.  Then out of nowhere, you’re sent back to your room, to the corner, to think about what you’ve done…  You’re there for another indefinite period of time…  And this cycle continues… over and over and over again… When these setbacks would happen to me, I would be convinced that I wasn’t getting any better; that my life would never be good again.  As if that kid would never ever see another Christmas or play another board game ever again… But, I can now confidently say that this simply is not true.

This time last year, in fact, I had a huge setback and was at rock bottom.  It felt like I went through all the layers of hell and was residing in slow and endless suffering… But, what I came to learn and accept is this: recovery may not be linear, and rock bottom may be around the corner, but even if I hit rock bottom, this does not mean I am not recovering - I am, in fact, still on a path to getting better.

I still have setbacks, though now I like to call them “bumps in the road.”  Just last week for example, for seemingly no reason, I was back to sleeping excessive hours during the day - I couldn’t even take my dog for a short walk without needing a nap afterwards. I also couldn’t use the computer very much even though it had been months since I felt symptomatic from my moderate screen time.  I now know that these bumps in the road are OK because they will pass; and as I’m getting better, they pass faster and I get back on the path quicker.

So, every day, in every way, I may NOT have been getting better and better, but I’ve still been recovering.  And even when I do find myself at the bottom of all the layers of hell, I now know that I am still on the path to getting better and better.

- Krystal