4 - Mind the Heart

I'm not sure who to give credit to for this image...this is a picture I took of the back of a notebook I once bought.

(This one might be fun to listen to, regardless of your screen time capacity 😋  Click here!)

Have you ever read The Wonderful Wizard of Oz?  The original novel?  About four years ago I was at a different, but also challenging, crossroads in my life.  Not recovering from a brain injury at that time, but recovering from major life changes nonetheless - it felt like my life was re-inventing itself.  It also seemed at that time like themes from the Wizard of Oz were popping up everywhere I looked.  I do have a bit of a history with the story - in grade nine I was in fact in our high school musical “The Wiz,” and I played a damn good munchkin and flying monkey, if I do say so myself 😜. I was reminded of the recurring song lyrics “Come on and ease on down, ease on down the road…don’t you carry nothing that might be a load, come on and ease on down ease down, down the road…”🎶

It still appeals to me the idea that we can’t look for what we need outside of us, if we don’t build it for ourselves on the inside…. No one’s going to give you courage; you need to find it within yourself.  No one can give you reasoning and problem-solving skills; it takes your own trial and error and effort to develop.  No one can give you love if you don’t love yourself…. Plus, the idea of coming together, not doing this on your own, but overcoming our unique challenges together is something I admire…. The story of the Wizard of Oz clearly has a lot more deeper meaning than is on the surface.  So, four years ago I excitedly went out and bought the book to read while traveling.  I imagined gleaning some more great wisdom from the story.  I imagined combined with my travels, the story would support my introspection, self-reflection and transcendence towards my destiny…

All that to say, I thought the book was super boring.  Honestly!  I expected a Torte and what I got was a Twinkie…  Mind you, my expectations of my experience were a little high (transcending towards my destiny? Really?? Bahhhhh…get over myself, am I right??)

But from that book comes one of my favourite quotes of all time.  As the Lion, Scarecrow and Tinman are discussing what they want the great and powerful Oz to give them (courage, intelligence, emotion), the Tinman reflects: “My head is quite empty but once I had brains, and a heart also; so, having tried them both, I should much rather have a heart.”

My relationship with my brain these past few years have been challenging.  I’m a person with two university degrees, three science majors, authored on scientific publications.  I’ve presented at conferences, I’ve done literary reviews for workplace projects.  I’ve always considered myself not just capable, but skilled at what I do.  So, to have that taken away.  To be unable to work.  To be unable to stay up-to-date in my field.  To be unable to read and research what I want when I want…not only did I lose my ability to practice my education, I lost my confidence, and I lost my shit!  The intellectual setback was hard, but the emotional fallout is what crumbled me as a person.  I eventually became numb, because experiencing intense emotions (even happiness) would trigger symptoms and setbacks.  I became afraid to feel.  It was a huge challenge to open myself up in that way again.

I was all of the characters from the Wizard of Oz.  Desperately wanting someone all great and powerful to give me back my courage, intelligence and emotional stability.  But, just like in the story (spoiler!), there does not exist any all great and powerful Oz, and those who claim to be may be hiding behind smoke and mirrors.

My journey down the yellow brick road hasn’t been to find THE cure.  It has been to find the strength within myself to turn this traumatic event into something good.  To find within myself what I need to recover.  To find a community of friends and family and others struggling, for whom we can all support each other.

I am again starting to be able to read, research and practice my education.  Although I’m grateful, motivated and SUPER excited by this, I now know, having tried them both, there’s a lot to be said for pursuing that which also grows my heart 💗

- Krystal