8 - #GetLoud

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Journaling is something I’ve been doing since my first concussion in 2011.  It’s a nice way to get the scattered ideas out of my head.  It’s like once they’ve made it on to the page, they’ve been released from my brain and no longer take up my brain’s limited space and energy.  I’m not a disciplined writer, but I have notebooks and pages lying around everywhere chronicling haphazard moments in time from 2011.  Though, I admit, I don’t have much from my journaling in 2011 because I did in fact burn those pages in a bonfire… at the time it was a cathartic letting go of the trauma of that first concussion.  Though now, I kinda wish I had that documentation. (Ha!  “Documentation”…That’s the health care professional in me…)

Here, though, is one of my journal entries that I do still have:

Not Just a Circle, A Spiral

That moment when you just can’t anymore.  When even the thought of doing something, even something fun, is too much to bare.  That moment you realize you’re not lazy; you just don’t have anymore left and worry about it never coming back.  That moment when any activity, even writing, brushing your teeth or going to the bathroom just seems like too much.  That moment when you try to call up some friends to pull you out of the moment, to find no one can help you, so you try to find solace in profiles, pictures, posts on social media.  That moment you struggle with an internal debate of being glad you’re having a take-it-easy-day versus being ashamed you need it versus being worried you’re missing out versus being lonely.  That moment you realize you’ve hit you’re threshold - you’ve reached your burnout.  And only you can get yourself out of this moment.  And the thought of what needs to be done to do so brings you back to that moment when you just can’t anymore.

You may be surprised to learn that I wrote that in February of 2015 - about three months BEFORE my most recent concussion, when I was brain injury free.

I mean, everyone has days or moments when they feel like that.  Not even the happiest of people are happy all the time.  It’s perfectly normal to have some moments of feeling disconnected, lonely or like you just can’t.

Though, this kind of journal entry and thought pattern does not reflect just some moments of my life, but many.  Yep, this is about the larger topic of mental health illness.  I’ve mentioned my mental health illness on this blog in passing.  In post #3, you may have noticed on my graph depicting my non linear recovery, a low point right before the concussion.  I even labelled it “Pre-existing mental health that needed attention.”  This refers to a difficult time I was having managing anxiety and depression.

It wasn’t until my first concussion in 2011 that I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.  Though, I can tell you it was there much sooner in my life.  My anxiety comes with some obsessive compulsive disorder traits - I remember being a teenager and my high school friends laughing at me the number of times I would return to my locker to make sure it was locked - I think it was on average 3 times; maybe up to 5 when no one else was around.  Also, when going to bed at night, I would need to turn the light switch on and off 10 times, and do this in multiple sets, before I could actually leave the light off and go to bed.  In fact, compulsive rituals like this before leaving the house or going to bed can delay me about half an hour or longer.  Low moods or beating myself up obsessing over an unpleasant thought that had wafted through my mind may have started sooner.  For kicks, I dug up the diary I had when I was nine years old.  I thought I’d find embarrassing events or points of view to laugh about.  I was quite wrong.  Instead, kid me wrote about feeling lonely, left out, devalued and just wishing they had someone to talk to…the entries were very concise, but reading them I was transported back to those moments and I could feel how I felt when I wrote them.  Nine year old me didn’t recognize at the time what 30-something year old me did to be the beginning of my mental health issues.

Misery loves company and so Post Concussion Syndrome and anxiety and depression are buddies.  Connecting with others is an important part of our emotional and social wellbeing. Yet, the brain injury is extremely isolating.  Feeling more emotional, irritability, sadness, nervous or anxious are symptoms assessed on the SCAT-3 for concussion.  People with mental health illness can experience headache, dizziness, blurred vision, sensitivity to light, sensitivity to noise, feeling slowed down, feeling like in a fog, difficulty concentrating, difficulty remembering, fatigue or low energy, confusion, drowsiness, trouble falling asleep, which are other symptoms assessed on the SCAT-3 and therefore are also shared with brain injury. 

It can be impossible to distinguish whether symptoms are coming from the brain injury or the mental health illness.  To complicate things further, it is my experience that my brain injury worsens my mental health illness and that my mental health illness makes it more difficult to recover from the brain injury.  Indeed, during my first concussion, I got to a point where I was even afraid to leave my bedroom.  During my most recent concussion period, I have had many spells of uncontrollable crying and complete hopelessness.  It’s a vicious cycle of my anxiety and depression making my PCS symptoms worse, which in turn worsen my anxiety and depression, which in turn prolongs my PCS recovery, which in turn makes me more sad and anxious to try to do regular every day things, which in turn holds me back from recovering…so, not just going around in a circle, but going down a steep spiral.

The title of this post is #GetLoud.  I’m not encouraging loud noises, as that would pain my brain due to my issues with noise sensitivity, lol.  #GetLoud was used in the May campaign by the Canadian Mental Health Association to decrease stigma and discrimination for those with mental health illness.  As stated on their website:

One in five Canadians live with mental health problems, mental illness or addiction. But the reality is, five in five of us have mental health, just like we all have physical health. We can all benefit from celebrating, promoting and acknowledging the role that good mental health plays in living a full and meaningful life. So, this May, let’s #getloud about how important mental health is for ALL Canadians.

I often wonder had my anxiety and depression been diagnosed and treated long ago BEFORE my concussions, whether I would have had such a long recovery?  If nine year old me had not hidden their thoughts and feelings and actually talked to someone, or if teenager me had sought out help and not just tried to laugh off the number of times checking lockers and turning off lights, would I have even had PCS as an adult?  I can never know the answers to these questions.  All I can do now is recognize the silver lining of this experience: had it not been for these concussions, who knows if ever I would have been diagnosed or if ever I would have taken my mental health illness seriously.

I now have treatment for my anxiety and depression.  My most recent concussion has taught me that even when I’m feeling well, I can never stop treating my mental health.  Just like I’m supposed to eat well and exercise every day for good health, I also need to be taking my meds and practicing self-care daily to be healthy.  Even though I’m still recovering from PCS, I can truly say that my mental health now is the best it has ever been.

People with brain injuries are more likely to experience anxiety, depression and mood disorders.  This is likely to complicate recovery and decrease quality of life.  So, let’s #GetLoud (in a soft way) to acknowledge and promote good mental health as part of good brain health for all.

- Krystal