Self Doubt. Self Compassion.

 

Read to me!!!

Click HERE for audio reading :)

Do you ever spend too much time on the internet? I mean, in this day and age, it would be weird if you said this never happened to you 😜

I’ve fallen down many an internet rabbit hole in my time and even during my recovery.

I’ve hopped online to “just do a quick search” to find a new podcast to listen to (you know…to limit TV and avoid screen time 😜). However, somehow this almost always turned into hours of reading reviews and “top 10” articles that got me nowhere closer to actually taking in some lower stim audio content…

I’ve gone on YouTube thinking “I can just listen to the videos,” looking for interviews with my favourite celebs. And even though my search is usually limited solely to the cast of Schitt’s Creek (because let’s face, they’re the best!) I would still manage to slide down a thread of TED talks, Brené Brown presentations, only stopping once I realized I had somehow gotten to Taylor Swift videos…

I’ve also been lost in a time warp, spending a lot of time looking for dogs, travel destinations, houses, or anything that resembles future plans. But with so much uncertainty with my brain symptoms, and without feeling able to commit to some sort of action, these “plans” are sometimes seemingly just wishful dreams.

In other words, I’ve spent a lot of time on the internet aimlessly searching for something to fill a pessimistic void.

How lovely.

Though tonight I spent too much time on the internet without a real estate webpage, music video, nor image of Dan Levy in a chic pink suit in sight.

I was on social media thumbing through the posts in an entrepreneur group I’m a part of. It’s after 10 pm. There’s no good reason for me to be here right now. But there’s a valid one…

I’m in a self-doubt spiral when it comes to my own capacity to run the business I’ve started. I’m searching for something to make me feel good about my entrepreneurial-abilities.

In case you didn’t know, I’m trained as a healthcare provider. And despite the fact that my field of work focuses on the health and well-being of others, my experience has been that accommodation for my own health and well-being isn’t that easy to get in traditional workplaces. READ: I was discriminated against at my last place of work for my brain injury and so I don’t feel I can trust anyone else to support me to get back to work in my field.

So, I decided to be my own boss and start a private practice.

I’ve seen a number of posts on concussion support groups asking about getting back to work or starting a business post injury. Many survivors wonder whether they can continue in their same field of work. Others have discovered they can’t and have needed to switch careers. Others aren’t able to go back to work at all.

There’s no doubt that starting a business takes a lot of energy, initiative, putting yourself out there, and networking… all things that can be excruciating post TBI! But I can say, in my case at least, it was not impossible :)

I would say building my business has been slow. But it’s also been pretty steady. And I absolutely had some help.

I was fortunate enough to meet a business coach in my field of work who had experienced something quite similar to a concussion at one point in her life. She knew how precious and limited time and energy was for me. She helped me focus and prioritize my tasks to make the most of my situation.

Finances was something else I had a little bit of help with. I started my business while receiving social support. In my province, all people who receive regular social support (as I did not qualify for disability —> a whole other rant) have to take part in a program to find work. There was a branch of this program for entrepreneurs. From that I received a wee bit of extra funds to help with some business costs, plus monthly calls with a case worker who cheerlead me on.

There’s many other people I can thank, who lent a listening ear, who kept up my morale, who helped me see my value. I have the privilege of having a supportive family, group of friends, a great partner, and networks within my profession who are happy to answer my MANY questions :) Those contributions cannot go unrecognized <3

As a result, I can now say that my business is successful :) But it’s not without its down side. As challenging as it is to be self-motivating each day, to be your own boss, your own accountant, your own admin assistant, your own records keeper… I find the hardest part about running my business is the rejection.

Rejection is just part of the daily equation when it comes to running your own business. You can’t take it too personally because it truly is a numbers thing. Out of all the people you talk to, only about 20 to 30% of them will actually be able to become a client.

If you have paid any attention to the other stories in this blog, you’ll have noticed just how exhausting and heart crushing living with PCS can really be. There are times in my recovery when I absolutely just hated my life, and hated myself. There is so much grief and loss, at times it maybe felt like life itself was rejecting me.

Now add on top of that pouring my beaten up heart and soul into a business I truly believe in, to only have it rejected & criticized by others 70 to 80% of the time… my vulnerability has never felt so, well…vulnerable.

And yet, there is still something more insidious than that…

I know searching social media to help me feel better about my doubts is absolutely the wrong thing to do. This kind of internet rabbit hole is so devastatingly derailing. Yet, I turned to it tonight anyways.

Scrolling away I came across another woman entrepreneur in my field. We’re the same kind of health care provider. We share “friends” on social media. We have a lot in common.

At least… this woman has a ton in common with PAST Krystal…

Browsing though all her web content, I saw design and language I used to be familiar with — a person who lives and breathes for outdoor culture. For traveling. I saw photos of her rock climbing. I saw health services she offers to others who participate in this sport.

I sat there. Scrolling through this. Anticipating to feel a connection with this person — could this be a potential new friend? But instead, I swelled with emotion and my eyes filled with tears.

I used to live for rock climbing, my passion, my drive. And now I can’t.

I used to spend so much time outdoors, in that culture. And now I don’t.

I used to dream of traveling that much while running that business. And now I won’t.

I’m seeing this on a day when I’m struggling to get active and to give away my climbing gear that’s just collecting dust.

I’m seeing this on a day when I’m longing for the outdoors but have developed a sore throat amidst this COVID-19 crisis, forcing me to confine to my apartment unit only.

I’m seeing this on a day when I had a particularly high volume of rejections in my business. My travel savings account, as well as a number of others, sit at zero as I make up for the past years living with little to no of my own income.

I see this and instead of being jazzed that someone else out there gets to live that dream, I’m doubting my own value. I’m snuggling up to the self-deprecation spoken to me by my inner critic, whom I have come to know as well as my injury.

But, I don’t have to stay here. And as harmful as that continuous string of cut downs by my inner-critic truly is, I can have some compassion for where it comes from.

One of the biggest pieces I have been working on in this phase of my recovery is self-compassion. To me, self-compassion extends far beyond just talking nice to myself. It’s a genuine caring for this part of me that feels so much loss & doubt. It’s really trying to understand and acknowledge where that is coming from. It’s offering a kindness to that inner-critic who judges me for not doing better, being better, living better… whatever arbitrary meaning “better” may take on.

And if I apply it to this moment, when my inner-critic is saying to me:

 

“That’s the life we should have had…”

“That’s the level of success we should be achieving…”

“We are so pitiful in comparison…”

I can turn to that inner-critic and say:

Yeah. It’s hard to see this. And it hurts. The loss is still there and it’s completely understandable.

You’re working so hard to prove yourself.

Do you know how hard you are working?

Do you acknowledge that it takes us many more times the energy than other people to do the exact same tasks? If there were some sort of per capita measure for human effort, ours would far exceed that of others. In fact, it would far exceed anything we’ve ever done.

So let’s focus our energy on something useful. This building a business is hard. It’s far outside our comfort zone. Yet we keep rising to the challenge. Few people show up how we do.

In fact, we show up for ourselves now far more than past Krystal ever did.

How many people in this moment can truly say that??

You & I. We are superstars just for showing up. And we need to remind ourselves of that more.

Best in brain health for all,

♥️ Krystal