Long Pauses (Totally improvised)

Want less screen time? Listen to this post instead! In fact, I recommend it! Get audio on Soundcloud here.

I recorded this just about a month ago. I have here the general text that goes with it, but the recording has a nice aside where I talk about the trouble with beautiful trees… ;P

I am back with more stories for you! Much more to come so stay tuned -- subscribe to the blog, like me on Soundcloud, or follow me on Instagram @this.hat.is.a.helmet.

Enjoy this comeback bonus track!

————————————————————————————————————————

I really just felt like talking into a microphone. So much has been happening. I feel overwhelmed. Things feel like they’re spiralling out of control. I have always found some solace and comfort in creativity — drawing, painting, writing. It’s funny how amateur podcasting is becoming it’s own creative comfort. I’ve never before today wanted to pull out my microphone and speak into it as an outlet. It just felt like I had to do it.

Things feel like they are spiralling out of control because for the first time in four and a half years, I am truly starting to work again. And by work, I should say I’m not actually getting paid. That’s probably the overwhelming part.

You see, for about one year I tried to find a job. I finally got to a place in my recovery where I could try to start working again. In my province, there’s a provincial disability program that has a sub program that supports people with disabilities to find work. What’s funny is I don’t actually qualify for the full program, which would include financial support — my health issues apparently aren’t… legit enough? The letter I got in response to my application came across very shaming. They made it sound like I was making up my disability. Even just saying that right now makes me feel ashamed for feeling like I have one. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve accommodations and that I am wrong to look and ask for it. The systems are very frustrating. I just wish at the very least, in a constrained system, if they can’t afford me any services because there are others with more serious issues, that they could at least share that in a way that wasn’t putting me down.

In any event, for whatever reason, I still qualified for the return to work program. I submitted an application — a long paperwork process that hurt my brain. Then I had to seek out a service provider in the community. Once that was accepted, I then met with a case worker who was to help me find a job. I did this for about one year. It was helpful. It was useful to meet with a person to go over my skills, what I’m good at, what kind of jobs are a good fit, even jobs I’d never considered. Looking at ways to write your resume and just having someone to talk to about approaching employers was useful.

For example, I had asked “in a job interview, do I have to say I have a disability?” The answer is NO, you absolutely don’t. Because even with the best intentions, and even when they say "if you have a disability, and need accommodation, please let us know, we’re very accommodating…” at the end of the day, if they have a choice between someone with or without a disability, they will most likely choose the person without. So working through those things was very helpful, but the outcome showed that I really just wasn’t into working for someone else.

I couldn’t find a job. I went to interviews. I had one very horrible interview — man that was a fail! It was the topic of one full session with my psychologist… But what it came down to was even if I was ready to start working and get my career back up on it’s feet, I wasn’t fully ready to commit to a 9 to 5 full time job, in a busy environment, everyday, under those fluorescent lights…

It was very daunting to think that I was going to need accommodation from the get go; that I was going to need to be paced back into it… It’s all valid, and many workplaces can offer that. I just didn’t feel it was something I was going to get in any of the jobs I was applying for.

Maybe I’m just jaded. Maybe I've had horrible experiences in my career that have left me with a less than hopeful point of view. But my impression is that working in healthcare we, to some extent, martyr our own health for the care of others.

So the prospect of asking for accommodation in healthcare, it just really didn’t seem to jive with me.

Several years ago, I had started a private practice. I had tried it out and it was very uncomfortable, which truly is the norm. You’re putting yourself out there. You are your everything in your business: you are not only the healthcare practitioner but also the privacy officer for keeping all the documents safe. You are your bookkeeper, you are your marketing team, you are your everything unless you have a lump sum of money to hire a team to delegate out to.

So back then, several years ago, I was still working at another job, then got another job, and so it was too much working. I had to give up the private practice. It’s funny looking back how I’ve always said “I hope I never have to go back to private practice. I’ll do it if I have to…” so daunting…#daunting

In searching for jobs it came clear to me, that 1) there weren’t many jobs that I was extremely passionate about, and 2) I realized that I needed accommodations that aren’t easily explained to other people. My issues are so invisible and random. Even for me I can’t predict when I’ll need what accommodation. So the idea of a private practice seeped back into my mind. "Maybe this time, that’s the way to go.”

And as I was working with that disability program and searching for other jobs, more and more the allure of being my own boss and creating my own projects, and being able to do all the things I wanted to do but couldn’t working for others because of funding constraints and all sorts of restrictions — the idea of being able to do those things became more and more exciting. And so, that was that. And I finally made the choice to stop looking and interviewing for jobs, and instead investing myself into…myself.

It’s been really interesting. The excitement of it has just propelled me forward. The ownership and accountability and the feeling that I am really working on something that I am really passionate about — I feel like that has just pushed me forward in my recovery. Now of course, I can’t say that for sure. There have been other times I’ve been very excited about things (like this blog!) and I didn’t feel that same upswing in my recovery. But this time I feel like timing has been on my side.

Not only am I in a place where I am able to do more, use the computer more, get out more, but I also have my own proper healthcare team now — more people supporting me through my healthcare process. I have more things in place. For example I have these mindful bells that go off regularly throughout the day to remind me to pause, and ask myself “is this a moment when I need a break? What choice do I want to make? Do I need something to eat, do I need to go to the bathroom?" Because for some reason, when you get in the zone, you won’t even stop to go pee…how ridiculous is that!?

Well…anyways. I have more supports in place.

I feel like all that together, plus the excitement, I have been able to more forward.

But excitement is a funny thing. Emotions can be tricky.

Our bodies only have so many ways to have us feel our emotions. Ask yourself, in your body, the signs and symptoms of excitement, how are they different from anxiety? A lot of those sensations are the same. We may feel our heart rate go up, butterflies in our stomach. The sensations are the same and it’s our brain that interprets what the emotion is. Our past experiences label those sensations with the actual emotion. So for me, I often find that when I’m super excited about something, there’s this tipping point where my brain goes “is it really excitement? Or is it anxiety?” And then I slide on over to that other side and it becomes anxiety, overwhelm and, stress. And sometimes it’s not without good reason.

I have really been ramping up the work I’m putting into my private practice and building my own business. But I have been to the detriment of my own self care. I have been falling back into old ways.

I have often said that my concussion came at an interesting time. It was like a slap in the face to me. It came at a time when I was working two jobs and doing some consulting and training for climbing and getting into acting classes and taking my dog for walks 2 hours a day... It was something else. I felt my mental health was suffering because I was just jam packing my schedule. I can feel myself now, sliding back into those old habits.

In this past month, when I’ve been ramping things up, I have really been pushing it. But I’m also recovering faster from the bigger insults to my brain injury symptoms. However, I would also say that I’m living at this baseline of feeling shitty. Always in fight or flight mode… it’s clear that that’s no good.

I told myself this month that I would make a change. I really don’t want to fall back into old patterns. I don’t want to be that Krystal who doesn’t make time for herself. The Krystal who is trying to fill up the day with as much as possible; who isn’t available to others when they need help, nor to myself when I need support. I know now that it is not worth it to rush through my days.

So maybe today I pulled out the microphone, not just because I love talking into it. But my creative outlets have always been a source of comfort when they’ve allowed me to work through these thoughts, ideas, and patterns. It seems my microphone and this podcasting has become another way I can journal; another way I can discover for myself what I need, and to hold myself accountable. Another way I can help myself move forward in a way that is right for me.

It's nice. I’m already starting to feel a little less overwhelmed.

Best in brain health for all,

Krystal



————————————————————————————————————————

Looking back at this recording, I'm glad I was able to sort this out, and make the changes I needed to make. Since I recorded this, I have truly found more support and have taken a step back. My days are now better paced, and my schedule much healthier.

There's no more need to try and get back to past, pre-concussion Krystal. I can now look forward to growing into a better Krystal than ever before 💛


Thank you for reading 😊

Never miss a post! Subscribe by clicking the button at the top of the page.

You can also follow me on Instagram: @this.hat.is.a.helmet